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Smith: "Mr. Anderson, I see you've been living a dual-boot lifestyle. One of these operating systems has a future, the other does not."

Neo (looking confused and stupid as always): "I know my rights. You can't scare me with this XP crap."

Smith: "And how are you going to tell anyone about Linux if our search engine returns no results?"


The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers


It has been said that if you place an infinite amount of monkies by one typewriter each, one of them will eventually write a literary masterpiece. The Internet has proven that this is not the case.


Two strings walk into a bar.

The first string says to the bartender: "I'll have a beer.~u4ru!2[sACC~ErJ".

The second string says: "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."


Two bytes walk into a bar. The first byte turns to the second and says "I think I may have a parity error." The second byte turns to the first and says "Yeah, you look a bit off."


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks, "May I join you?"


"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation..."


"2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2."


"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !"


THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.


One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Robert Firth


There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and [Unix] BSD. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Jeremy S. Anderson


Basically, Doom is a (violent) 3D arcade game where you run around in a maze and kill things with shotguns and chainsaws.... After you get tired of killing things, you can run it over a network and kill things together with your friends. And after you get tired of that, you can kill your friends.


God is real, unless declared as integer.


I'd recompile the World if God gave the sources.


Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.


"Most of the VAX instructions are in microcode, but HALT and NO-OP are in hardware for efficiency."


Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They just redefined darkness to be the new standard.


Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It can't be done, it's a hardware problem.


Q: How many tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay, just exactly how dark is it? Okay. There could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the light switch?


"There are only 10 kinds of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don't."


Computers are high-speed idiots, programmed by low-speed idiots.


A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it's like to get wet.


A nerd is a guy who spends all day in front of his computer... A geek is a nerd who is proud of it.


Death has come to our windows.

Jeremiah 9:21
(undoubtedly a Biblical reference to a Microsoft product!)


If you torture the data enough, it will confess.

Ronald Coase


A programmer is someone capable of converting caffeine into code.